Lately I have resorted back to my “high school” self. I would go out with friends and drink like there was no tomorrow. I was taking advantage of my free will and made decisions I wouldn’t have with a sober mind. Each weekend would consist of: staying out with friends until after bar hours, drinking every kind of drink in sight, partying with people that I know are bad influences. Over all, I had no self control once a drink was in my hand. And after a few too many mistakes things started to fall apart. I would wake up feeling ashamed, or, worse, have no memory of the night before...
These last couple of months made me realize that I have lost my focus on Jesus and was giving into the desires of my flesh. I was doing whatever I wanted to do in that moment and was not thinking of the consequences to follow (or as my parents like to put it, “being irresponsible”). I don’t want to live a life of sin, that is what my “high school” self was doing. I have grown from my younger self and didn’t think I would make those same mistakes. But there I was, caught up in the same bad drinking habits. So I took action to better myself and pull away from the distractions that was darkening me. I wasn’t my happy self, I felt very fake around others.
I have recently heard a song on a christian radio station called “Different” by Micah Tyler and it talks about how you don’t recognize yourself in the mirror and you don’t want it to be this way, you want to be changed and different than the ordinary. My favorite line in the song is “I don’t want to spend my life stuck in a pattern, and I don’t want to wanna gain this world but lose everything that matters.” When I heard these lyrics it kind of woke me up and made me look at my life and realize I wasn’t living the way I wanted anymore. I didn’t recognize myself and I was letting the world tell me what matters instead of the Lord.
So here I am God, I don’t like who I am sometimes and I wonder if anybody really loves me after making mistakes.
But when I bring myself in prayer, that is when connection begins. That is when I feel an overwhelming peace. Along the way we have to remember to bring the sour with the sweet, God loves to see us as we are as a whole.
But how do we do this?
The Lord has gifted us with the Holy Spirit. This spirit is alive within us, it gives us the power to overcome our desires of the flesh. We were born sinners, so we are going to make mistakes. But this doesn’t have to define us. We can rise up and be the best self the Lord has created us to be.
By God’s grace we can choose to fight our sinful flesh and put it to death, for this is what God’s word instructs us to do. Let's set our minds on His way instead of allowing our worldly thoughts and actions. We can do this by giving each day to Him, acknowledging he is the savior and starting each day with a grateful heart.
I don’t want to stand up and preach to you, that's not my nature. I just want to share my challenges and hope that you can relate and we can all get through this together.